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United By Music* (*Invoice Pending. Terms and conditions may apply)

 



Date: December 11, 2025

Mood: Aggressively "Non-Political" and Financially Solvent (We Promise)

​Welcome back, lovers of sequins, wind machines, and geopolitical tension so thick you could cut it with a keytar!

​As we gear up for Eurovision 2026 in Vienna, the vibes are immaculate. And by "immaculate," I mean the guest list is shrinking faster than a polyester shirt in a tumble dryer, and the EBU’s accountant is currently breathing into a paper bag.

​The VIPs Are Leaving (And Taking Their Wallets)

​In a stunning twist that absolutely everyone saw coming, the "United By Music" slogan is getting a stress test that would break a suspension bridge.

Iceland, Ireland, Slovenia, and the Netherlands have officially Irish-goodbye’d the contest. And can you blame them? The Netherlands is likely still recovering from the whiplash of 2024, where their guy Joost Klein was disqualified for looking at a camera wrong, while other delegations required a literal army battalion just to get from the hotel to the stage.

​But the real kicker? Spain has left the chat.

Spain is one of the "Big Five"—you know, the countries that actually pay for this fever dream. When the people footing the bill decide the party is too toxic, you know you’ve officially entered the "last call at a dive bar" phase of the evening.

The Financial Impact (Or: "Who is Paying for the Glitter?")

The EBU has released a statement assuring us that participation fees will not increase for the remaining countries. This is adorable. It’s like a restaurant telling you the lobster is free because the guy at the next table walked out on his tab.

​Here is the math they don't want you to do:

  • Lost Revenue: Millions of Euros from Spain, the Netherlands, and Ireland.
  • Lost Eyeballs: Roughly 10 million viewers vanished overnight (5.8 million from Spain alone).
  • Sponsorships: Good luck selling ad space for a "Continental Celebration" that a third of the continent is boycotting.

​So, who is covering the deficit? Probably host broadcaster ORF (Austria), who claims they "budgeted for this." Sure you did, Austria. I’m sure you have a "Political Boycott Contingency Fund" right next to the budget for "Emergency Confetti."

​The "New" Lineup: Scraping the Barrel?

​To distract us from the gaping holes in the lineup, the EBU has proudly announced the return of Bulgaria, Romania, Moldova, and Montenegro!

​It’s the geopolitical equivalent of your cool friends leaving the party, so you desperately text your exes from three years ago to come over and fill the empty seats. "Hey, I know we haven't talked in a while, and you’re technically broke, but do you want to come sing in Vienna? Please?"

​The "Non-Political" Paradox

​The EBU continues to scream into the void that Eurovision is a non-political event. This is cute. It’s like saying the Titanic was a "non-iceberg" event.

​They’ve spent months performing mental gymnastics that would win Gold in the Olympics:

  • Rule A: You cannot have lyrics that mention brands or specific wars.
  • Rule B: If you are currently in a war that half the participants object to, that’s fine. Just change the song title from "October Rain" to "Hurricane" and promise to smile.

​Meanwhile, the solution to crowd booing? Anti-booing technology. That’s right. They are literally autotuning reality. If you listen to the broadcast, it sounds like joyous applause. If you are in the building, it sounds like a gladiator match. This is the level of gaslighting usually reserved for toxic relationships, not song contests.

​The "Safety" Vibe

​Let's not forget the charming atmosphere of the host city. Nothing screams "celebration of culture" like sniper rifles on the rooftops and a venue that requires TSA-level clearance just to bring in a feather boa.

​The EBU says they want to keep the contest "safe and inclusive." Safe? Sure, if you enjoy a heavy police escort with your pop banger. Inclusive? Well, if you exclude the countries boycotting, the artists disqualified for "vibes," and the audiences being muted by sound engineers—then yes, it’s basically a utopia.

​Final Thoughts

​So, grab your popcorn (and your riot gear). Eurovision 2026 is no longer just a song contest; it is a live, televised experiment in cognitive dissonance.

​We will watch. We will vote. And we will pretend not to notice that the "United" Europe is missing its biggest wallet, while the "anti-booing" faders work overtime to convince us that everything is fine.

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